Go the F*&K to Sleep
Last time I used profanity in a blog post my readership went sky high. Who knew all you motherfuckers needed was someone swearing at you to get you to pay attention! And that shit took less time then any of my other fucking posts. Go figure. I am going to start this shit the same way so you can focus on what I have to say. We will see if that one time was just a fluke or if you really are looking for some 30-something year old white woman to swear at you.
Let me just put it out there that while we all love a sweet, pudgy little newborn that smells like sugar and feels like silk – nobody I know loves being up all hours of the night rocking, nursing, bouncing or swinging said baby. At the end of the day, we all want a baby that will go the F*&K to sleep.
Several people I know specialize in working with families to get babies to sleep through the night. Their style varies but their goal is the same… they want to empower parents to get their child the F*&K to sleep and on a schedule that will benefit both baby and family (AKA: Go the F*&K to sleep before mama looses her shit). If said plan works they are hailed as heroes… and rightfully so. Us parents will go to great efforts to get our children to sleep through the night.
When we had our first baby we could have written a book about the shit we did to try to get her to sleep. It was borderline insanity. But fellow parents shouldn’t judge because you all know that desperate times call for desperate measures. Many parents like us spend days thinking about our babies routine, their food, their napping, and their shitting schedule. Very few of us are thinking about the health of their environment and why cleaning up our act might also help our kids sleep and live better. A local sleep specialist and I sat down for coffee a few weeks ago and decided we were going to do something about this clusterfuck of a situation.
The health of your home is not something to be fucked with and it has a big impact on small growing bodies. So let me get to the motherfucking point. Here are a few ways we can do “better” for our babies. I can’t guarantee sleep but I can guarantee a safer, healthier place for them to rest their heads.
Formaldehyde, flame retardants and other toxic chemicals are not the shit that dreams are made of. That’s the bullshit most of us unknowingly sleep on. If I could recommend just one thing to someone with a baby it would be to buy an organic mattress. Your baby spends more time in his/her crib than anywhere else. None of us need to be hotboxing with the chemicals that come from beneath our sheets.
With all the talk you’ll be doing about the potty it would be nice to know you’ve got your ass covered with diapering. Cloth…disposable…I don’t really give a shit. Just be sure it’s free of fragrance, dyes, phthalates and bleach.
You wipe tooshes more than you care to speak of and yet you probably haven’t thought about cleaning up the routine… literally. Again, say hell no to fragrance, parabens, phthalates and a variety of other chemicals that are snuck into baby wipes.. You can search this database for safe wipes.
Young babies have soft heads and developing brains. That means shit can get crazy up in there more readily than it would with a grown person. EMF exposure is no bueno for baby and no bueno for sleep. Some smart motherfuckers have linked EMF exposure to lower melatonin production…which effects quality of sleep. Put your baby’s bed as far as possible from outlets in the bedroom and try to avoid a baby monitor – or at least put it far away from the crib. If you want a cookie for your efforts then turn off the wi-fi in your house at bedtime.
Glass baby bottles are where it’s at. Skip the plastic shit and get some. I like the ones with silicone sleeves so I don’t break those fuckers too often.
Speaking of bottles..I don’t care what the haters say… organic baby formula and food is necessary. Use distilled or filtered water for preparing the formula. Bullshit artists like to make stuff like “nursery water” to make people think they are doing something special for their kids. Nobody likes a phony… and I hate the way those bitches tricked my good friend recently. Be informed and don’t let BS marketing suck you in.
Babies are born smelling like heaven so there ‘aint a reason in the world to cover that shit up with fragranced bullshit. If the dirty diapers are causing a stink take them outside or use some baking soda to absorb the smell. Those plug-ins and air fresheners are straight up crap. Don’t use them. Period. If it says “fragrance” it really means “kill me now”. Okay, I exaggerate, but you get my point.
Find furniture made of solid wood. Particle board, pressed wood or medium density fiberboard are all fucked up. Same goes for most closet built-ins. Ask for the formaldehyde-free variety. They will charge you extra for leaving that shit out. Funny how that works.
Captain Obvious here…If something you buy smells bad, it probably is. Leave it outside until it airs out and the smell goes away. The fancy word for that shit is off-gassing.
Old painted crap like mirrors and furniture may look sweet and nostalgic but there’s nothing chic about lead poisoning. Keep that shit out of your house. Paint made before 1978 commonly contained lead. Choose no VOC paint.
Vinyl toys are usually soft and squishy. They are also bad as fuck for health. Look for PVC-free and phthalate-free toys.
Toxic flame retardants are tucked away in the foam of about 80 percent of baby products, including changing pads, nursing pillows, baby carriers, car seats and more. Choose wool or cotton filled pads or fabric pads with safer waterproofing like polyethylene or polyurethane. The first-to-market fire retardant-free car seat will be released in 2017 thanks to UPPAbaby. Better late than never.
Most carpets off-gas chemicals and lock in pollution. Get rid of it or seal it using this. Wool carpeting or rugs offer a stand-up alternative to their harmful counterparts.
Open the windows and let some fresh air in. Air inside most homes is 2-5x more polluted than outside air thanks to all the fumes released by the bullshit in furniture, cleaners and more. Fresh air is free. Let it flow.
Finally once all your PTSD has worn off from feeling like you are going to do your baby no good… just relax. Enjoy that baby. Take in that sweet smell. Enjoy the days when they shit on your pants and spit up on your shirt. Know that you are doing the best you can with the knowledge you have. Pat yourself on the back for being a parent who cares about doing better…and then go the F*&K to sleep.
Your nursery is nice and cozy now, love.
On not one toxic square inch do you creep.
I didn’t stay up this late when I was in college kid.
Now go the F*&K to sleep.